Lisa Lardashian Wants 'Mature-Looking' Suitors for 'Bachelorette' Rachel Lindsay (and Herself)

It's real. Get it here.

It's real. Get it here.

I am not allowed to talk to my dear mother, Lisa Lardiere of West Orange, New Jersey, after 8:59 p.m. on Monday nights when her body and mind are committed to experiencing a season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. My father is permitted to sit in silence next to her during the show, mostly for moral support, while my sister watches the show in her own room and yells to mom about it every so often. It is only my participatory presence that is appreciated less than music by Tiesto in the sound system of a funeral home. This is probably because I'm not an accredited member of Bachelor Nation and my live commentary of the program is often (always) facetious.

I've tried to lean into my mom's lifestyle choice by executing several gestures of generosity to demonstrate my support. Let's face it: my interviews with Ali Fedotowsky and Ryan Sutter were products of Freudian influences. Recently, I even gifted her with a bottle of Personal Wine's “Will You Accept This Rosé?” Fall Creek White Zinfandel, which she immediately took into her arms like a newborn child. I couldn't convince her to open it because she wanted to save it for a "special occasion", but I wanted to try it and reclaimed authority over the bottle when she left the room. I'm not a sommelier, but I can tell you that the flavor notes I observed while quietly taking sips in the corner were strawberry lemonade, red Laffy Taffy, pink Starburst, and lululemon racerback tee.

I suggest that you prepare to dive into Rachel Lindsay's ~love journey~ by stocking up on a bottle or five of the super-affordable White Zinfandel (or the Sparkling Rosé!) from Personal Wine. Until it arrives, pour yourself a glass of something hydrating and pair it with this brief interview with Lisa Lardiere about The Bachelor, Chris Harrison, and the kind of soap he probably prefers down below.

Mia: When did you first start watching The Bachelor franchise?

Lisa: I started during the first season when it started 20 years ago. It was the season with Alex.* I don't remember his last name but I can see his face in my mind. He picked Amanda, but I didn't like her. 

I watch every season, Mia. I know every contestant and every single season.

*She meant 20 seasons ago, which still isn’t correct. This is the 22nd season of the franchise and Alex's last name is Michel.

Do you have a certificate to prove that you are a member of Bachelor Nation?

What? 

Are you a fan of Chris Harrison?

(Gasps) I love him. 

Which Chris Harrison is your favorite Chris Harrison: Kooky Chris Harrison who entertains the stupid staged limo entrances or stripped-down, tough love Chris Harrison who helps pick the final contestant(s)?

I like both. I like when he’s tough love, but I like his goofy side.

I didn’t ask you if you were going to marry him.

He was married to Gwen and he had a really nice wedding band.

A rare sighting of Chris Harrison's now-retired wedding ring.

A rare sighting of Chris Harrison's now-retired wedding ring.

Was it Neil Lane?

It had diamonds in it.

But was it Neil Lane?

No. He was married in Utah. 

Do you think he uses bar or liquid soap?

(Sighs) Probably liquid.

Do you think that nine weeks is a sufficient amount of time to find —

No.

How are you coping with the separation between Lauren Bushnell and whatshisface?

Terrible. I don’t even want to talk about it. I liked them.

Which Bachelor contestant would you trade for dad?

OoOh! (Suddenly serious.) Oh. Well let me think here now. Um. Oh, there’s a lot of them I really liked.

Was it Sean?

No, it wasn’t Sean Lowe. No. I did like Ben, but Ben’s like a kid. They’re all kids.

Well, yeah. This isn’t "Bachelor, sponsored by AARP."

Right, but we want some older looking bachelors. We want mature bachelors.

Like people in Viagra ads?
I liked Andrew Firestone.

If you had to give advice about love to Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay based on your own experience, what would it be?

Oh god. Don’t marry anybody that looks better than you. That’s a big no-no. He has to support you and let you do your thing and be really hot-looking.

Is that why you married daddy?

I’m still waiting for him to turn hot.

Okay, I think we’ll end it there. Thank you for your time.

This interview has been edited and condensed so much for clarity.


Analyze & Discuss:

Who would have been The Bachelor 20 years ago?