The 2017 Lardashian Newsletter
Dear Fans of the Lardashian Family,
’Twas the morning before Christmas, when all through the house
Lisa Lardiere was shouting at Steve in her favorite denim blouse;
Fresh pasta was hung from wire hangers with care,
In hopes that it wouldn’t hit the ground, which was covered in hair;
Marla was sleeping off a cold, trying to get better,
While Mia sat downstairs to write the annual newsletter.
And Steve wrapping presents, and Mom watching 90 Day Fiancé.
But they eventually convened to recall what happened in 2017 to this day.
Steve still isn’t a fan of drones, though his appreciation for the Spice Girls has deepened a tenfold in 2017. He managed to leave his phone at home at least a dozen times despite wearing its holster on his belt throughout all hours of the day, even while he's sleeping. As the CEO of Pinnacle Credit Union, he doesn’t understand Bitcoin, but he just opened a Venmo account and seems to find it handy. He continues to make nachos and fix bowls of cereal at midnight, which might explain the plateau in his Weight Watchers journey. "I know what I'm *supposed* to be eating, but I just don't," he says. He went zip lining with Mia during the Lardiere family’s first-ever reunion trip to the boondocks in Pennsylvania and didn’t pee his pants (or so he claims).
His resolution for 2018: "To get in the shower when my wife tells me to take a shower."
Lisa lost 20(!) pounds on Weight Watchers and insists on rolling down the band of her pants to make them fit like Mia did in high school with her gym shorts. She still enjoys her instant cappuccino mix and a Cubano from time to time because a healthy lifestyle is about balance and occasional indigestion. She and Marla ate oysters as appetizers every night during the family’s vacation to Hilton Head and she narrowly avoided severe sunburn this year. During this same vacation, Lisa reawakened her ability to ride a bike. The family lost her en route to dinner, but she made her way to the table as the entrees were being served. She was only sore for the next three months. Despite her taste for smaller portions these days, she still has a large appetite for discussing her students’ bowel movements during any meal.
Her resolution for 2018: “Oh, God. To watch more Bachelor shows — In Paradise and regular — and to stick to my diet. Maybe I’ll even exercise. Maybe daddy’s resolution should be to get everything at the food store the first time when I ask him to get it instead of making 10 trips. Or maybe to stick to his diet and lose his belly. On second thought, he should keep his belly, because that makes me look better.”
Marla kicked off 2017 in California as she experienced the Hofstra LA program. The rest of her family isn’t sure what she did there other than take cute pictures in scenic locations and eat Shake Shack with her friends. In May, she graduated from Hofstra with a B.A. in Video/Television Production with a concentration in Writing and Producing. As she searches for a job in TV or video, she is second in command of “HE STOLE MY JUICE” operations at The Beanstalk Academy. She feels that she is being held hostage by her mother, professionally speaking. She continues to harass and burp on her sister whenever she's home to visit because “she deserves it.” This is partially true.
Her resolution for 2018: "To not kill Lisa."
Mia hates ice skating. No event in 2017 incited this loathing, but she just wanted you to know that this is a personal sentiment she stands by. In June, she started working at Cosmopolitan (the media company, not the Las Vegas hotel) as an assistant editor for their Snapchat Discover team and permanently moved to Brooklyn shortly thereafter. She finally understood what it means to be a New Yorker after a man puked on her shoes in the subway and got off at the next stop without saying as much as “FUCK YOU.” She’s getting used to cooking for one in a much smaller kitchen with two new cat friends running around her feet, but she hopes to make more time for dinner parties and food writing in 2018.
Her resolution for 2018: To stop whispering “hey” to people in passing like a serial killer and to stop leaning on columns in the subway, even if she’s tired.
Love and Light (Cream Cheese),
The Lardiere Family