Am I Meditating?!

I downloaded an app called Headspace at the end of last year to trick myself into learning meditation. It was fun! An Australian man talked me through breathing exercises and mind games that involved sitting in the middle of oncoming traffic. I pretended that he was a Hemsworth brother. It was mildly erotic.

But every meditation felt forced. It felt as though I needed a separate meditation session to escape the performance anxiety of the first one. Not to mention, still silence in my house is as prevalent as a unicorn because my mom currently holds the Guinness World Record for the longest unbroken conversation. Headspace and I had our run, but I deleted it from my phone immediately after my ten-day trial had expired. There was no way in hell that I was about to pay $60 per year to have two people talking in my ear at once when I could just continue to tune out my parents' banter for free.

Since then, I've been taking care of business as usual. Most days begin at 5 a.m. to catch a train into the city, where I bide my time for 90 minutes by writing, eating eggs, or listening to podcasts while coloring in my adult coloring book*.

*I am so sorry that you had to endure this sentence. 

Without choice, I've garnered enough trust in my fellow commuters to "rest my eyes" every once in a while, which I would define as consciously zoning out with your eyes closed without actually sleeping. My dad has mastered the art of this, especially while watching The Bachelor with my mom every Monday night. But today, just before writing this, I woke up from one of these states with a sudden epiphany.

Am I meditating? Is this what happiness feels like??? Am I glowing like Gwyneth Paltrow???!??

I feel alert and rejuvenated. My thoughts are much clearer. I think I might even be breathing! I always imagined I'd be levitating in a tie dye ensemble once I found my zen, but instead, I look like this:

Here I sit: Eyes half-open, mouth fully open, with a puddle of drool in my scarf. I'm not sure where my mind went for the past 20 minutes, but I sure hope that it took my wallet with it.


Analyze & Discuss:

Am I qualified to sell $800 candles now?