The 2016 Lardiere Holiday Newsletter

Dear Family and Friends of the Lardashians,

Hey! So nice to finally talk to you. We definitely don’t screen our calls after 6 p.m. if you think that’s why you only ever reach our answering machine. The truth is that we just don’t pick up the phone ever, so it’s nothing personal. Really.

If the day begins with the sun rising in the east, Lisa has a migraine and/or indigestion. Her school, The Beanstalk Academy, accepted a record number of infants this year and as a result, her dinner conversations are limited to stories about poop, pee, projectile vomit, or any other bodily fluid that the human body, in its tiniest form, is capable of emitting. She went to see an allergist and is not allergic to anything except for grass, according to a series of scratch tests. She says that this is exactly why she never bothers with visits to the doctor. 

Lisa’s main grievance this year is surprisingly not related to her husband. Instead, it’s a tie between the messy shelves underneath her kitchen island and the full storage space on her phone. Of the former, you will often find Lisa kneeling with her head stuck all the way in the cabinet reorganizing its contents — pots, pans, wire racks, Steve’s independence — and crying out to no one in particular, “THIS IS WHY — !” She never finishes that statement, expecting you to subconsciously fill in the gap with whatever you're supposed to feel guilty about in that very moment.  Take for example:

THIS IS WHY — (I can’t trust anyone to put away my cookware according to the schematic that I drew in my head)!”

THIS IS WHY — (you shouldn’t leave black ink pens open on your bed)!”

THIS IS WHY — (I can’t expect my husband to buy the right pudding packs without explicit instructions)!”

Of the latter, her phone keeps telling her storage is “almost full.” Mia often suggests that deleting a few of the 400 photos of her students in her camera roll might be a good idea since it appears as though she has some kind of weird fetish to the uninformed eye. 

Steve has imparted a book’s worth of wisdom to Mia during their morning trips to the train station since all they do every day is “travel back and forth to work,” according to Lisa. Here are a few of his greatest hits:

He didn’t fall at all during the Lardashian's family vacation to Sanibel Island, but he did snore on the plane.

Marla is finishing up her final year at Hofstra University, where she is kicking ass as a TV major and actress on TNL, Hofstra's version of Saturday Night Live. She worked the first presidential debate and learned who Wolf Blitzer was while Donald Trump's helicopter that carries his toupée circled above the campus for kicks.  She was accepted into a study abroad program in L.A. that begins in January. Her mother will be her carry-on item despite any objections. Marla turned  21 this year and discovered that her favorite beer is Guinness because it "doesn't taste like piss." She's graduating in May, at which point she can spar with Lisa full-time.

Lily is down one pound due to a change that was required to happen in her diet when she was diagnosed with doggy diabetes. She now gets a scrambled egg every morning before she gets her insulin shot, but secretly wishes that she could eat them poached and on toast like her mom does.

Mia's year was full of professional opportunities that she never would have expected to see in her lifetime. She created, produced, and hosted a podcast for which she interviewed two of the Backstreet Boys, Kristin Chenoweth, Fabio, and many more. She shared rosé with the Real Housewives of New Jersey, was (almost) introduced to Alec Baldwin, and took out her Invisalign retainer as Olivia Wilde entered the restroom. She also became a contributor for Man Repeller, writing weird stories about baby corn and Beauty & the Beast. Though she still hasn’t found an apartment of her own, she has faith in letting the chips fall where they may. She’s decided that cooking and writing are two things that will never not be a part of her day-to-day, and that is more than okay.

Our resolutions for 2017:

Lisa: "I'LL GIVE YOU A RESOLUTION!" (While holding a bottle of seltzer)

Steve: "I'll snore less and try not to kill my wife."

Marla: "To try and do resolutions."

Mia: "To stop eating stickers on apples."

Lily: "To begin writing my memoirs."

 

Happy Holidays to All of you Frigs,

The Lardashians


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Is Josh Groban relevant?