The New York Times Obtained My Grocery List

Ready for an October surprise? I was not born in the United States, so I cannot run for president! This is a great thing because I look boxy in pantsuits and can’t keep a secret. (Never tell me that you’re pregnant before it’s public knowledge because I will look like the Warheads mascot if anyone asks.)

With the elimination of "POTUS" as a potential career choice, the privilege of living with a sexy, crippling fear that the media might surface documents from my personal history in an attempt to decimate my public image disappears in tandem. Though the skeletons in my closet are pretty bleak, at least they're well-outfitted.

My birth certificate would be met with mostly confusion considering that it’s printed in Spanish with my given name. I don’t have a private email server (Gmail is stressful enough) and my DM boxes are barren, minus videos of freshly-groomed dogs getting the Beyoncé fan treatment. My financial history is uninteresting too unless a recent $100 purchase from Glossier can be deemed “suspicious” since “adult” acne permanently resides on my face despite whatever goop I shove into my pores.

Thus, I project that the documents that would cause the most controversy would be my elusive, YUUGE shopping lists that imprison me in ShopRite three hours on a Sunday and make my cart overflow. Rather than wait for Jean Potters to find one in the produce aisle, send it to the local paper to be published, and have it rejected because my tears make it illegible, I'll just leak this week’s list ~for me~.

This is a pretty standard weekly list for our current household of three while my sister is away at college. If she were here, additional items would include Peanut Butter Cheerios and blueberry blintzes. This week we (I) plan on making fish filets with herb butter paired with spaghetti squash, this butternut squash minestrone because it’s cold, Nigella Lawson’s Buttermilk Roast Chicken because she’s bae, and crockpot pot roast because slow-cooked meats are sometimes the only things that actually make sense in this world.

The first scan is my initial list, which I usually revise three times over until it’s well-categorized by aisle, though I often forget to transfer things that impact my mother’s well-being, like wholesale bottles of liquid Advil. Please note "chips-Dad" and "Amy's," which refers to the frozen dinners that my mom eats for lunch instead of sandwiches because she "doesn't like bread."

This one is what it looked like after I returned from my trek into the Succasunna Sahara. I added "POTATOES" but forgot to write down "chicken" in the first place, so I had to go back to poultry and check out with one item after I had already checked out.

P.S. - The fish with herb butter was very good, but I recommend using a filet of fish with skin.


🤔 Analyze & Discuss: 🤔

How much squash is too much squash?