5 a.m. Laundry Is a Horrible Idea
Reporting to you live from The Olive Eye of Hurricane Mia is Mia, The Olive Eye, with a blow-by-blow account of Wednesday, September 16 when she wrongfully chose to do laundry at the crack of dawn, before putting on her glasses.
5:30 AM - “Dog’s up, sun’s up. Why don’t I put my bed sheets in the wash while I take Lily for a walk?”
5:32 AM - Bunches up sheets, puts them in washing machine.
5:33 AM - Puts on glasses.
5:34 AM - Turns on tea kettle upstairs. Hears mysterious rumbling from washing machine downstairs. Continues cutting lemons for pretentious morning lemon water elixir.
5:34:02 AM - “Where’s my phone?”
5:34:10 AM -
“OH SHIT. THAT’S MY iPHONE.”
5:35 AM - Breaks into washing machine to find waterlogged iPhone 5s.
5:35:01 AM - Panics. Uses wet bed sheets to wipe phone.
5:35:12 AM - Recognizes incompetence in the reflection of an iPhone that is strobing and fighting for its life.
5:35 AM - Seals in water damage with tears.
5:36 AM - Submerges phone in rice (brown). Takes dog for walk.
5:40 AM - “Aww, look how cute Lily looks in the leaves. That would make such a nice Instag—“
5:40:50 AM - Vomits.
6:04 AM - Returns home from dog walk to vibration from rice bowl.
6:04:23 AM - Understands upon inspection that alarm clock was never shut off prior to waterboarding.
6:04:59 AM - Understands that alarm cannot be silenced since the touch screen is paralyzed. Silences alarm with power button.
6:13:57 AM - Alarm sounds.
6:13:59 AM - Understands that I will be snoozing my phone manually until its/my death every 8 minutes and 58 seconds.
6:14 AM -
6:22:57 AM - Silences alarm.
6:28 AM - Realizes that today is the iOS 9 update.
6:30 AM - Tweets this.
6:34 AM - Considers activating iPad as a large phone in an ironic tribute to 90’s cell phone fashion of yore.
6:34 AM - Decides against it, but will note it publicly so that if/when the iPad phone begins to trend, written proof exists as evidence for copyright claims.
6:45 AM - Conversation with self:
-“Hey girl. Why don’t you go Starbucks and treat yourself to a pity Americano in which you can drown your sorrows?”
- “AND PAY WITH WHAT!? CASH, LIKE A PEDESTRIAN?!”
6:46 AM - Holds moment of silence for Starbucks mobile app.
6:50-7:00 AM - Suffers psychological anxiety trying to pee empty-handed.
7:01 AM - Surrenders. Silences alarm.
And the rest of the morning’s stream of iConsciousness interrupts continued a little something like this.
7:59 AM - “What does my friend’s morning coffee look like on Insta—?”
8:01:58 AM - Silences alarm.
8:45 AM - “How are the stocks today?”
8:45:15 AM - “Let me Google, ‘What are good stoc—?’“
8:46 AM - Silences alarm.
9:24 AM - “Is Kylie Jenner’s dog humping Kris again on Snapcha—?”
9:24:58 AM - Silences alarm.
10:01 AM - “What’s the weather like right no—?”
10:01:49 AM - Silences alarm.
11:11 AM - “Make a wish!”
11:11:01 AM - *Wishes for a new iPhone.*
11:11:24 AM - Silences alarm.
12:13 PM - “How much would the new iPhone cost?”
12:13:29 PM - Silences alarm.
1:39 PM - “How much does rice cost?”
1:40:01 PM - Silences alarm.
1:42 PM - “How much would a time machine cost?”
1:42:36 PM - Silences alarm.
2:22 PM - “How much would a club cost with which I would assault my past self before beginning 5 AM laundry?”
2:22:01 PM - Silences alarm.
3:18 PM - “Does life insurance cover self-inflicted homicide in retrograde?”
3:18:42 PM - Reactively reaches out to silence phone, cognizing the echoes of quietude belatedly.
3:19 PM - R.I.P. iPhone 5s
4:41 PM - “What’s a good recipe for rice?”
ANALYZE & DISCUSS:
Are you reading this on your iPhone? If so,