5 a.m. Laundry Is a Horrible Idea

Reporting to you live from The Olive Eye of Hurricane Mia is Mia, The Olive Eye, with a blow-by-blow account of Wednesday, September 16 when she wrongfully chose to do laundry at the crack of dawn, before putting on her glasses.

5:30 AM - “Dog’s up, sun’s up. Why don’t I put my bed sheets in the wash while I take Lily for a walk?”

5:32 AM - Bunches up sheets, puts them in washing machine. 

5:33 AM - Puts on glasses.

5:34 AM - Turns on tea kettle upstairs. Hears mysterious rumbling from washing machine downstairs. Continues cutting lemons for pretentious morning lemon water elixir.

5:34:02 AM - “Where’s my phone?”

5:34:10 AM -


5:35 AM - Breaks into washing machine to find waterlogged iPhone 5s. 

5:35:01 AM - Panics. Uses wet bed sheets to wipe phone.

5:35:12 AM - Recognizes incompetence in the reflection of an iPhone that is strobing and fighting for its life.

5:35 AM - Seals in water damage with tears.

5:36 AM - Submerges phone in rice (brown). Takes dog for walk.

5:40 AM -  “Aww, look how cute Lily looks in the leaves. That would make such a nice Instag—“

5:40:50 AM - Vomits.

6:04 AM - Returns home from dog walk to vibration from rice bowl. 

6:04:23 AM - Understands upon inspection that alarm clock was never shut off prior to waterboarding.

6:04:59 AM - Understands that alarm cannot be silenced since the touch screen is paralyzed. Silences alarm with power button.

6:13:57 AM - Alarm sounds.

6:13:59 AM - Understands that I will be snoozing my phone manually until its/my death every 8 minutes and 58 seconds.

6:14 AM -

6:22:57 AM - Silences alarm.

6:28 AM - Realizes that today is the iOS 9 update.

6:30 AM - Tweets this.

6:34 AM - Considers activating iPad as a large phone in an ironic tribute to 90’s cell phone fashion of yore.

6:34 AM - Decides against it, but will note it publicly so that if/when the iPad phone begins to trend, written proof exists as evidence for copyright claims.

6:45 AM - Conversation with self:

-“Hey girl. Why don’t you go Starbucks and treat yourself to a pity Americano in which you can drown your sorrows?


6:46 AM - Holds moment of silence for Starbucks mobile app.

6:50-7:00 AM - Suffers psychological anxiety trying to pee empty-handed.

7:01 AM - Surrenders. Silences alarm. 

And the rest of the morning’s stream of iConsciousness interrupts continued a little something like this.

7:59 AM - “What does my friend’s morning coffee look like on Insta—?”

8:01:58 AM - Silences alarm.

8:45 AM - “How are the stocks today?”

8:45:15 AM - “Let me Google, ‘What are good stoc—?’“ 

8:46 AM - Silences alarm.

9:24 AM - “Is Kylie Jenner’s dog humping Kris again on Snapcha—?”

9:24:58 AM - Silences alarm.

10:01 AM - “What’s the weather like right no—?”

10:01:49 AM - Silences alarm.

11:11 AM - “Make a wish!”

11:11:01 AM - *Wishes for a new iPhone.*

11:11:24 AM - Silences alarm.

12:13 PM - “How much would the new iPhone cost?”

12:13:29 PM - Silences alarm.

1:39 PM - “How much does rice cost?”

1:40:01 PM - Silences alarm.

1:42 PM - “How much would a time machine cost?”

1:42:36 PM - Silences alarm.

2:22 PM - “How much would a club cost with which I would assault my past self before beginning 5 AM laundry?”

2:22:01 PM - Silences alarm.

3:18 PM - “Does life insurance cover self-inflicted homicide in retrograde?”

3:18:42 PM - Reactively reaches out to silence phone, cognizing the echoes of quietude belatedly.

3:19 PM - R.I.P. iPhone 5s

4:41 PM - “What’s a good recipe for rice?”


Are you reading this on your iPhone? If so, 

thanks for rubbing it in, jack hole!