Planes, Trains, Commuter Haikus, and Kris Jenner's Drunken Oats

Hey, you! It's been a while since we last spoke.

Did you get a haircut? No? Well, either way, you still look pretty great.

Listen – things have been a'happening since the Lards took Cancun, so why don't we take a minute to loosen our pants and get caught up on that DIY project we've been separately but collectively working on, tentatively entitled "life"?

I'll go first. So, after quitting my waitressing "job" I was granted a real people job as an Assistant Editor for a celebrity news website (sans the ironic quotation marks). Essentially, I have become a historian in the Kardashian lineage within a matter of weeks, though I wonder if this is something that I should inform anyone at all as I pave a hopeful path towards demi-credibility. 

Tortellini fatto a mano in casa. In English: heaven.

A photo posted by Mia Lardiere (@theoliveeye) on

It's a great gig! I'm #blessed, #honored, and #based. I get to work with my friend Kaitlyn who pulled my foot in the door, which I consider repayment for that time when I was shafted into her Italian homestay where I resided with a woman and her teenage daughter who tried to choke her to death on numerous occasions, but also taught me how to make this -->

(JK, KK, you owe me nothing.)

Also, remember this tortellini, as it is a foreshadowing of good things to come right here on this very blerg. 

Nonetheless, working full-time can also have its drawbacks when it comes to things of personal enjoyment.

...EXCEPT WHEN YOU ARE A SNEAKY SONUVABITCH WHO CAN TRICK THEIR HIGHER-UPS INTO PURSUING CULINARY ENDEAVORS WHILST UNDER THE GUISE OF CELEBRITY NEWS.

See, I pitched an idea for a feature to my editor-in-chief called "Celebites" where I would replicate celebrity foodgrams and develop a recipe that is simple, shareable, and chock-full'a delicious. He, the most gracious of souls, imbibed my mind grapes and the first 'Celebite' was thusly chewed into existence over this past weekend.

Jenner's bowl on the left, mine on the right. Take that, E!.

Jenner's bowl on the left, mine on the right. Take that, E!.

Here we have Kris Jenner's 'Drunk In Love Banana Oatmeal'  — creamy rolled oats topped with bananas that are caramelized in brown sugar and coffee liqueur. This is a link to the post that will teach you how to inebriate your oats, and this is a photo of Jenner and her beaux Corey Gamble, doctored as two spooning bananas.

Besides cooking, or lack thereof, my only lament comes out of lacking time to scribble on this bathroom stall of a blog as often as I used to. I miss talking to you guys. I miss sharing my food. I miss taking Xanga surveys with my dad.

While some would be all,

"Mia — you be crazy for wanting to write more after already writing for 45 hours a week!"

I'm all,

"BITCH, LEMME LIVE. I DIDN'T START SPEAKING OUT UNTIL LIKE, YESTERDAY."

*Does the etymology of 'amused' have anything to do with the muses, i.e. BEING INSPIRED?!

But alas, I am easily amused/inspired* and have plentiful free time on my Odyssey of a commute at least two times a week.

Born out of curiosity (read: nosiness), creativity (read: weirdness), and an affinity for writing 5 to 7 syllables, here begins my growing anthology of New Jersey Transit Haikus. 

Anywho, stay tuned folks because I'm about to embark on a new culinary challenge that is appropriate for audiences of all ages and will make you question once over if I obtain any reserve of mental sanity.


Analyze & Discuss:

If the rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain, then who would posses such masochistic qualities as to consciously reside on the aforementioned plain?