The First Testament of Bed Chocolate

Welp, we're at the point in our relationship where you're acclimated with my diet, my beauty routine, and my father's Sexy Sauce®.

Why don't we make things officially official & discuss my religious beliefs?

See, I gave up on being a "Good Catholic" after I humiliated myself in front of our entire congregation as an altar server in when I failed to penetrate the giant crucifix into its miniscule stand.

(I am convinced that this was a hazing prank led by our spinster organist, Joyce, but I digress.)

Instead, I founded a spiritual movement that does not require Sunday school or the circumcision of your appendages.

The Church of Bed Chocolate hosts sermons every night before sleep in place of (or in addition to) your routine prayers. It is a silent meditation with a small piece of chocolate beneath your covers to savor the sweet things in life.

Our belief system is outlined in
Ten Commandments.

With devout observation, you will achieve spiritual wellness without supporting a religion that has become associated with eternal guilt and, worse, flavorless wafers.

Behold! Let the Commandments of Bed Chocolate be etched into interweb stone.

  1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's chocolate. A Hershey's bar is just as good for the spirit as a truffle sprinkled with 24-karat gold.
  2. Thou shalt freeze thy holy chocolate bar to preserve its flavor and enhance thine overall experience.
  3. Thou shalt offer thineself a piece of chocolate no larger than the width of your palm in preparation for nightly observance. Bed Chocolate values minutiae over exorbitant excess.
  4. Thou shalt not consume thine chocolate before reaching thine bed. Though our system is non-restrictive this workaround defeats our single concrete belief.
  5. Once equipped with Bed Chocolate, thou shalt submerge thineself beneath the covers of thine bed in complete darkness.
  6. Thou shalt inhale the aroma of thine wafer and release tensions of thine workday with a steady exhale.
  7. With a second inhale thou shalt appreciate the simple luxuries of a bed and a piece of chocolate that others may not have. Once this gratitude is fully realized, thou hast the green light to become one with thine square of cacao.
  8. Thou shalt embrace the stains that accrue on thine bedding as a symbol of true devotion.
  9. Thou shalt not forget to brush thine teeth before drifting off into sleep and, finally,
  10. Thou shalt not Dutch oven thineself.

Donations to the church can be made via PayPal or directly into my Starbucks account.


Who should be canonized as the official deity to the Church of Bed Chocolate?
Weigh in below.