Up Close & Impersonal with Sexy Steve® Lardiere
Happy Father's Day
to all of the Big Papa's, the iPad Dads, and the expecting parents who are pregnant with a healthy food baby after ingesting an entire roasted chicken.
If you are a forced follower of my blog, Instagram, or Snapchat account, or have happened to encounter me IRL when I emerge once a year like a Yeti, there is a good chance that you have had the pleasure of being exposed to my father, Sexy Steve® Lardiere.
Perhaps you have tried to whip up a batch of his infamous marinara sauce or, for the beginning chef, a simple bowl of midnight cereal. Though he has shared with us the secret ingredient of his signature recipe, there is still so much more to learn about my father.
Thus, we embark in another Xanga survey to peel back another layer on the enigma that is his onion-shaped head.
UP CLOSE & IMPERSONAL SEXY STEVE® LARDIERE
Note: Answers were recorded in stripped-down honesty, prior to Steve having ingested his coffee or combing his three and a half wisps of hair.
Are you involved with anyone? Yes. :|
Would you take an ex back? Yeah — BUT! Now, just in case Mommy sees this, it's because she was an ex for a short moment in time. We broke up because "I wasn't sure what I wanted". *Shrugs*
Where do you wish you were right now? Cancun
Are you a bad influence? No.
Night out or night in? Night in, watching movies. (His favorite movies are E.T. and the Wizard of Oz)
Last time you cried your heart out? I dunno. Cried my heart out...? [Me: Was it when Mommy last yelled at you?] I don't cry when mommy yells at me.
Your favorite book: Oh, I hardly read any more. Probably Lord of the Flies. (Lies! His favorite publication is 'Our Town', a bi-monthly circular with anecdotes and ads that he picks up for free at the Chinese food restaurant.)
Would you share a drink with a stranger? Ew, no. Well, if you mean sitting down sharing a drink, yes, but otherwise no.
Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? Grandma. (His mom.)
Last hug? Yesterday, mommy. No, wait! It wasnt... It was Aunt Sue. (Scandalous, because this is my mother's best friend that she met when she was 11-years-old.)
Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Is it right? Uh, it's okay. I don't give a sh*t. Yeah, you know what? It's right.
...Can you write, "I don't give a sh*t?"
Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire? Yeah. Almost every night. (?)
What does the last text message in your inbox say? I dunno. Probably a solicitation.
How do you feel about your life right now? Good.
How many times have you been pulled over by the police? I assume you mean in the car. [Me: ...What else would I mean?] Well, I was pulled over when we were walking my brothers and I were walking to the midnight mass for Easter. I was probably about 11, my brother Mickey was 9, and Jerry was 13. The cops saw us and said, "What are you doing?" and ended up giving us a ride to church.
Anyway, I've probably been pulled over five times.
Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to? Oh yeah.
Are you easy/slutty? No. Wish I were!
Do you think you can make it on a “Moment of Truth?” Sure!
If we were to look in your phone inbox, what would we find? "You have a new driving school student." (He is a part-time driving instructor.)
Last person you talked to on the phone? My new student, James.
Can you easily tell if someone is fake? Yeah, pretty much.
If an ex said he/she hates you, you say? "...Okay?"
What could be done to make things better for you? Pay off my debts and get a Corvette.
How’s your heart? Good. It's still there.
Ever kiss someone with a name starting with a K? A "kiss kiss", no? (?)
Have you ever kissed anyone named Amanda? Amanda?? No.
Are you happy with your living arrangement? Yesss.
Would you live with someone without marrying them? Yes. I mean not now I wouldn't, but yeah.