Mind Constipation & Water Kefir Sutherland
Mind Constipation is a debilitating sensation of cranial discomfort caused by an inability to digest latent, great ideas.
Such innovative indigestion is experienced by twenty-nothings who are spread thin across "jobs" with benefits that begin and end on the first and fifteenth of the month. Frequent sufferers of M.C. are only capable of consuming micro bites of information in one sitting due to cores effectively stretched out to a fraction of their original size. For instance, the mind-constipated individual might be caught blindly liking photos on Instagram while staring out a window, or signing off professional emails with the briefcase Emoji.
Biologically speaking, golden brown brain nuggets become obstructed behind lists of tasks that need to be completed yesterday without the assistance of time travel.
Physical characteristics of a mind constapateur are as follows:
- Eyes and hearts proportionally larger than the average human being
- Consumption of meals alla ménage e trois, providing lackluster oral stimulation to a sandwich while tickling the keyboard of a seedy-looking laptop
- Aphas-uh, or in layman's terms, the disappearance of verbal ability to cohesively express an original thought
Research suggests that mind constipation could be a product of societal factors unique to American culture. As Doctor Ipu Freely, M.D. of the Institoot for Freesearch Development challenges in a recent study,
"Why is it that European countries can shut down for a lofty two-hour lunch when we induce premature labor on a microwave burrito that only takes two minutes to cook?
(LOL, did you catch that guys? I just said 'pee' and 'wee' in the same sentence. I LUV SCIENCE!)"
So how can one remedy a bout of mind constipation? Freely hypothesizes,
"JUST F*#CKING RELAX."
Escape your thought fortress by hosting a mini dance party set to your favorite middle school playlist or by tinkering with a mindless Pinterest craft. Try exercising interpersonal empathy by adopting a low-maintenance pet, like my liquid pet rock, Water Kefir Sutherland.
Keef Sweat is my first trendy wellness experiment and new confidante after the tragic death of my rosemary plant, Rosemary Napoletano. He is a brew of the delicious probiotic drink, water kefir -- the love child of bacteria and yeast caught in a romantic relationship. Probiotics keep your system functioning at one hunnid percent by balancing good and bad bacteria in your body, enhancing its production of antibodies to combat conditions like IBS and eczema. They can be incorporated into your diet through several different vessels including yogurt, kefir milk, and chocolate, or by simply taking boring old capsule supplements.
As a self-purported goddess of beverage pretension, I am contractually obligated to test every drink in the health section of Shoprite. I first purchased a bottle of KeVita Mojita Lime Mint under the impression that Sunday errands could double as happy hour. My wallet grew unsupportive of my fast and furious friendship with KeVita at six dollars per bottle, so I purchased a Water Kefir Starter Kit from Cultures For Health and documented its growth on Snapchat.
The process began by hydrating kefir grains in sugar water over a period of three to five days, followed by a second fermentation to supercharge their probiotic potency. With my heart set on flavoring and carbonating the first batch to taste like Mojita Kevita, I added mint leaves and lime juice to the strained-off liquid and let it sit for an additional two days.
Kefir Christmas morning arrived and I scurried to the bottle to be reacquainted with my fermented friend. Flipping open the bottle with shaking hands, I was disgracefully greeted with empty silence. Where was the pop? Where was the fizz? I couldn't afford to be friend-dumped again!
I gave the cold shoulder to my bottle of failure, pushing it out of sight to the back corner of our kitchen counter. Don Ho sang to my carbonated woes as I scribed a desperate letter to the customer support team at Cultures for Health in search of advice.
Another forty-eight hours passed before receiving a reassuring email from Eve who gently listed all of the amateur #TIFU's in my experiment. I marched to the counter and flipped open the bottle to begin anew when all of the sudden, it popped.
There she was, my yeasty mojito, sparkling like the Fourth of July on an otherwise dreary April afternoon. All that I had to do was "f*#cking relax" and allow culture to emerge naturally, all on its own.