Healing Hearts & Eyebrows

I shared this piece called Friend-Dumped with my spirit blog, Man Repeller, about the heaviest heartbreak from my tweenage years. I was a sophomore in high school when my best friend hung me out to dry because our normal amount of quality time was cut in half as I fell head over Vans in love with my first boyfriend.

The deterioration of our friendship was a long and painful process including the burial of our friendship's remains on her front steps, and a Starbucks screaming match in which we projectile vomited every lingering grievance at each other across their toddler-sized tables.

It has been nearly a decade since our lady-break up, and here is the status quo of Turk and J.D.: 

We're okay, you guys!

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In fact, she just sent me clips from a music video recording sesh that she found on an old digital camera. PLUS, as added karmic bonus, my eyebrows are back in fighting shape.

This is not to say that we are anywhere near as close as we used to be, but we are civil and found peace in the errors of our past.

In connecting with other Lifestyle Amateurs on Man Repeller's comments lounge and on Twitter, I discovered that many others out there are going through the experience of being friend-dumped right now. My heart goes out you guys because I've been there and it sucks, and I want to make it all hurt less.

That said, I present you with:

The Olive Eye's Officially UNOFFICIAL Guide

to nail Getting Friend-Dumped Like a lifestyle Amateur

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Step One: Grieve.

I spent the evening after being dumped removing the <3's from beside her name in my phone contacts and sobbing as our song, "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" played on repeat. It's only natural to be upset, but don't feel sorry for yourself. Let it all out, clean up the mucus from the floor of your pity party, and move on to the next step.

Step Two: Simmer Down.

The knee-jerk reaction to reach out to your ex-friend through every mode of communication is only natural in a post-mortem state of solitude.

You will compose chapters of text messages and have fruitful conversations with their voicemail. You will search Amazon for a carrier pigeon to deliver homemade fortune cookies stuffed with apologies scribbled on printer paper. Don't do any of these things (even if Amazon offers Prime shipping on the pigeon). Let her breathe and take the time to focus on you, which brings us to step three.

Step Three: Selfie Reflect.

Ask yourself these questions: Is my friend just in her accusations or is she straight-up trippin? Were there any tell-tale signs that this break-up was inevitable? Is it something that you secretly saw coming but hoped it wouldn't?

If the odds are stacked against you, the time to file through them is now. Ask yourself how you could have been a better friend, but also pin down the ways in which your friend could have been a better partner in crime. Prepare for a successful first outreach by clearly outlining the faults in your friendship, affirming that it is a healthy relationship worthy of your efforts, and then, and only then, move on to step four.

Step Four: Extend an Olive (Eye) Branch.

Compose a text or, better yet, a handwritten note that clearly states that you want to maturely discuss your relationship because it is something that you value, want to work on, and (hopefully) preserve. The situation can go two ways from here. They can agree to talk things out, or they can flat out reject you/not respond. Let's tackle the ideal option first.

Step Five-A: Schedule a Starbucks Summit.

I know. The idea of a potentially heated discussion over piping hot beverages is terrifying but it is actually the most perfect setting for this scenario.

First, meeting in public forces a sense of civility (unless you are former me or a Real Housewife of New Jersey [these identities are synonymous]). Second, talking things over in your home runs the potential of spoiling a personal place of ~zen~ and could cause more drama as a nostalgic space packed with memories of your past. Third, a cup of coffee is the ideal length of this conversation, and possible if you truthfully completed steps one through four. 

Come in calm and collected with the premeditated goals in mind. Combat the fear of getting lashed out by remembering that anger comes from passion --  the latent reason for fighting is that you are fighting for your friendship. 

Open the discussion by owning up to your faults and apologizing, then open the floor for your friend say their peace. Truly listen to what her or she has to say and only open your big mouth when they are completely finished.

Defend any false accusations with examples of character, but dedicate the remainder of this conversation to figuring out how to move forward. Make a list of realistic short-term goals that you can both work on, like scheduling more time together or simply responding to her texts within, you know, 48 hours of their delivery. 

Do not expect for everything to magically return to normal overnight. Battle scars on the heart truthfully never completely heal, but do your personal best to remain faithful to the goals that you set. 

Alternatively,

Step Five-B: Let Them Go

A wise prophet on Xanga once said:

<*If y0u catch a butterfly, set it free*>
}}i{{ Fate will bring it back, if it was meant 2 be }}i{{

It is inevitable for our needs in others to change as we grow, thus, not all friendships are cut out to last a lifetime. Coming to terms with this is especially difficult if you and your friend had a long-term past, but be patient. Life is apparently very long and holds opportunity to reunite in the future.

Just look at Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag from Laguna Beach. If their friendship can bounce back from sex tape accusations, anything is possible. 


Analyze & Discuss: 

What is the proper terminology for getting Friend-Dumped? Is it 'Frumped'?