Basic Roasted Chicken

Just as sure as the sunrise will be Hyperlapsed and posted to Instagram,

one is ascertained to encounter in life the spectacular subspecies of human labeled in curly calligraphy as 'Basic'.

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A Basic acknowledges Lauren Conrad's website as a reputable news source. Their culturally inaccurate study abroad blogs are bar hopping chronicles signed off with a guttural tribal battle cry of YOLO.

If a Basic actually died half as many times as they claimed, their great-grandchildren's college tuition would be covered by life insurance cashouts alone. 

The female Basic never advanced beyond rudimentary physics in high school, yet her fishtail braid is supported by the architectural bobby pin equivalent of the Golden Gate Bridge. The male wears lumberjack flannel to unwind next to a fireplace emblazoned by purchased wood.

Basics are put down as despicable neanderthals of our planet, ranked somewhere between Charlie Sheen and the aunt who keeps sending you invites on Facebook to play Pudding Pop, but let's face it:

their brainless simplicity lends itself to Pinterest perfection.

Their Tweets, which defy laws of your, you're and yore, are retweeted globally by an incestuous Greek family. They post unfiltered photos of grass that have higher approval ratings than any President in American history. Basics only consume gluten socially (which is always), but keep on a gym grind outfitted in neon tanks screenprinted with #fitspiration.

My Basic Roasted Chicken is no exception to this conundrum yielding a moist and crispy bird with brainless preparation and only five simple ingredients.

So let's hear it for the DIY Girls and the KISSy guys of because they somehow always manage to come out top-knotted & on top.

Learn how to Make It Snappy by catching this episode of
my live Snapchat Cooking Show with the dweeb-proof recipe provided below.


basic roasted chicken

kappa delta fam:

  • 1 Whole roasting chicken (3-4 lbs)
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • 1 Lemon, halved
  • 20 Sprigs of Rosemary
  • 1 Garlic bulb, halved

Tools

  • Baking pan
  • Paper Towels
  • Butcher's twine or skewers
  • Aluminum foil

DIY

1. Bring the chicken to room temperature by letting it sit out on the counter for 45 minutes-1 hour with a caramel coconut milk latte* *Extra foam and leave room for an entire canister of Splenda.

2. Reminisce over that *totez underrated* band, 98 Degrees while preheating the oven to 425 º F.

3. Pat the chicken completely dry with paper towels, then generously salt and pepper it inside and out.

4. Stuff the internal cavity with lemon, garlic, and rosemary, recalling a shot glass candle that you made with a similar scent palette. 

5. Truss its legs shut with butcher's twine or kebab skewers.

6. Place the chicken breast side up in the baking pan and shut it in the oven for 50-90 minutes depending on its weight. Do not open the oven during the cooking process. This will interrupt the cooking process, which would totally suck. :\

7. Remove from the oven and cover with aluminum foil to rest for 10-15 minutes before carving in. 

CATCH ME LIVE IN THE KITCHEN NEXT TIME BY ADDING ME ON SNAPCHAT! USERNAME: THEOLIVEEYE


Analyze & Discuss:

If a group of geese is called a 'gaggle', what is a gathering of Basics called? A tribe? A squad? A herd??