Steve's Sexy Sauce ®
My father's post-retirement endeavors include buying a motorcycle & revolutionizing the marinara market with steve's sexy sauce®.
Neither of these ambitions will come to fruition as long as my mother has him by the short leash.
Ask Steve about his sauce and his humble laughter will distract you as he pulls a projection screen from thin air to walk you through a detailed Powerpoint presentation outlined in 72 pt. red Times New Roman font.
The concept is simple: Independent tomato sauce production with minimal overhead and a marketing strategy analogous to that of an NC-17 Wheaties Box. Customers are invited to submit 'sexy' yet *family friendly* self-portraits in competition to be featured on the label of a batch of his giant cans*.
*While supplies last.**
**Or until the winner's family buys out the lot. †
† Might I emphasize the hyperextended use of the term "win" in this scenario.
You will come to consciousness at the end of his spellbounding spiel holding a receipt for a lifetime supply of sauce and 3% equity in Steve's Sexy Stock (SSS on the New York Stock Exchange).
As he shoves a promotional tomato stress ball in your hand, you will cry out in sudden epiphany,
"But Steve! What exactly makes your sauce 'sexy'?"
He will lower his transition bifocal glasses with all the swagger of a credit union professional and respond cryptically,
"I don't know.
why don't You tell me."
As a business insider and grossed-out daughter I will safely attribute the sex appeal connection to convenient alliteration, but if I had to hypothesize further I would attribute its nomenclature to the recipe's foundation in the K.I.S.S. principle: Keep It Simple, Stupid, a minimalist design concept cutely acronymed by the U.S. Navy in 1960.
My dad is a K.I.S.S.y dude. His favorite sandwich is mayonnaise and lettuce folded between a piece of white bread. His only statement accessory is a functional handkerchief kept folded in his pocket. In preparing the mise en place to Snap through his recipe I ran through his list of three ingredients as scribbled on a napkin: Garlic. Tomatoes. Olive Oil.
"That's it, dad?" I inquired as he prepared a plate of nachos.
"That's it. Except, well, you know," alluding to the all-important ~secret ingredient~.
"What about basil, parsley, salt, and pepper?" chimed in mom from down the hall.
"The last time I checked we were discussing Steve's Sexy Sauce®, hon. Not Lisa's Luscious whatever."
He was immediately sent into time out to meditate on his choice of words.
Steve's Sexy Sauce®
gather The Fam
- Three cans of crushed tomato sauce
- Six cloves of garlic
- Approximately 1/4 cup of olive oil
- 1 tsp. sugar WHAT WHO SAID THAT THERE'S NO SECRET INGREDIENT®®®®
Then Do Dis
Chop the garlic finely to achieve a burnt flavor preferable to Steve's picky palate while you heat the olive oil in the bottom of a large dutch oven. After about three minutes drop a piece of garlic into the pot. According to my father, the oil is hot enough to saute all six cloves if you can hear it sizzle.
Toss the garlic in the olive oil until its color is the shade of JWoww pre-pregnancy, then add the three cans of crushed tomatoes plus an additional can of water, careful not to splash your hovering spouse's stainless steel appliances. Bring the liquid to boil, then reduce it to simmer for two hours, covered with a lid. Stir your sauce occasionally between completing honey-do list tasks and watching the Little League baseball tournament on ESPN.
Serve over your favorite pasta or baked between the layers of My Ma's Eggplant Parmesan.
Learn how to Make It Snappy by catching the full video below on my brand new YouTube channel,
& catch me live in the kitchen next time by adding me on Snapchat.
While you're at it, pop on over to Funny or Die to check out Little Investments, a teeny weeny mini series inspired by the man himself.