Up Close & Impersonal With The Olive Eye
An important thing YOU SHOULD KNOW about me is that
I hate talking about myself.
"But, Mia-- that seems Paradoxical!" You cry,
while chained to a desk, forced to read my latest post.
Welp, it's true. I'm my own worst publicist. When asked the dreaded, "What do you do?" my go-to response is a shrug followed by, "I dunno. Write? Make stuff? Cook, I guess? Enough about me. What's your name on Instagram?"
I've just been this way since quietly excusing myself from my birth mother's womb. Introversion is real and it's here to stay.
Thus, in addition to a solid statement accessory, Xanga quizzes were my second favorite workarounds to physical communication as an introverted nerdlet.
Oh c'mon, 90's kids. You remember Xanga; the prehistoric version of Tumblr and predecessor to MySpace, debatably pronounced with or without the silent X. You would come home from school and put on Now This Is What I Call Music 42, grab a pack of Dunkaroos and meditate on the trials and tribulations of your day. These journalistic accounts could be straightforward and honest ("Jess is being such a beeyotch. What gives?") or painfully cryptic ("I wish he would just understand. :\").
Your profile probably looked something like this, right?:
I would have shared a screenshot of my own, but it appears that I deleted it. Apparently I once had a semblance of social reservation.
Since blinking open The Olive Eye, I've been connecting with new faces and reconnecting with old who never knew the *real* me. People be like, "Dude, I never knew you were a Colombian bastard child!" or "Wait... You can cook?"
Yas, hunny, yasss.
For those who haven't had the displeasure of watching me humiliate myself on Snapchat as of late, I've been doing this thing where I host live cooking shows from my kitchen and conduct everyday experiments such as brewing water kefir. I'm about to take these mini-productions one step further, molding these episodes into a lifestyle series to be forever ingrained on the walls of YouTube, soiling Snapchat's good intentions of fleeting embarrassment.
Before kicking into high gear and flinging the pantry doors of my kitchen wide open, this coming week is about getting baq 2 basikz. Let's get reacquainted through beloved family recipes like my mom's eggplant parm and Steve's Sexy Sauce™, but first, let's make this about me.
Up Close & Impersonal
with The Olive Eye
► Name ➔ Mia, pronounced Mee-yuh. Like Thermopolis.
► Birth place ➔ Bogota, Colombia
► Hair color ➔ Dark brown. I dyed it once in college with a purported "28-Day Rinse" that turned my hair into a black stringy mess for four months. This was the wildest extent in my Liberal Arts experimentation.
► Age ➔ 23
► Eye Color ➔ UM HELLO DO U KNOW WHAT WEBSITE YOU'RE EVEN ON?? COME CORRECT NEXT TIME, THNX BB.
► Birthday ➔ November 19th. Buy me things, but don't surprise me. I hate surprises. And flash mobs. Ugh, AND OVER-PRODUCED PUBLIC PROPOSALS.
*Note to future fiancé, if such a thing exists: Do not expect a positive response if you propose to me any of the following mortifying circumstances:
1. Emerging from a flash mob, parade, or giant baked item. 2. On a Jumbotron. 3. In the middle of any circus ring or sporting arena. 4. On national television, or whatever form of media is relevant by the time that I communicate with the male species again.
► Gender ➔ Female, though yearbook photos featuring an upper lip stash and sideburns flag this item debatable.
► Lefty or Righty ➔ Righty tighty, man.
► Single or taken? ➔ HAHAHHAHAHAHA
► Happy? ➔ *^_^*
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love ➔ HAHHAHA STOP! STOP! I CAN'T BREATHE.
► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ Follow up question: Is there a mirror present?
► Who ended your last relationship ➔ Define relationship.
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ Yes, that of a gentleman who I was serving at the cafe when I broke the news that we were out of prime rib.
► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ Let's just say we're lucky if I finish this survey.
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ I avoid physical contact of this nature at all costs.
► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Yes. A boy professed his love to me on the communal carpet in Kindergarten. I wept and taddled on him to the teacher.
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ Absolutely. Even a narcissist's relationship with his/herself has its rough patches.
► Do you usually spend Valentine’s Day alone? ➔ Yes, but I much prefer this to my last celebratory V-Day in which I custom ordered a giant fortune cookie for my boyfriend and received an outfit and two Reeses Hearts purchased and wrapped by his mom.
► Short or long-term relationships? ➔ *Blows bubble with mouth*
► Love or lust ➔ CAN WE MOVE ON FROM THIS TOPIC PLEASE
► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Arnold Palmer. Duh.
► Cats or Dogs ➔ Cats in theory, Dogs in practice
► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ A close-knit following on social media
► Television or internet ➔ Where does my iPhone fall into this equation?
► Pepsi or Coke ➔ Normally neither, but I succumb to Diet Coke in moments of weakness.
► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Wild night in with my parents.
► Day or night ➔ Day.
► Text or Call ➔ Oh Xanga, you're so cute.
► Make-up or au naturel? ➔ 'Naturel.' Points for trying, 'auter' of this survey.
TEN HAVE YOU EVER
► Been caught sneaking out? ➔ I have never had the moxy nor the impetus to sneak out.
► Fallen down/up the stairs? ➔ Yes, and also have ran into/broke a screen door on two occasions.
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Shut up.
► Prank called a store? ➔ -___-
► Skipped school? ➔ To get my braces tightened.
► Wanted to disappear? ➔ No need to disappear when you're not on anyone's radar.
► Spent all your money? ➔ That would be absurd and irresponsible. (Yes.)
► Met a celebrity? ➔ Tony Danza at a continental breakfast. EAT YOUR HEART OUT.
► Been really ill? ➔ Only always B)
► Last phone call? ➔ My mom.
► Last song you listened to? ➔ Dirrty by Christina Aguilera. Really quenching this throwback thirst with this Songza playlist.
► Last thing you ate? ➔ A fruit, granola, and coconut milk parfait. YOLO MAN.
► Last thing you drank? ➔ Cawfee.
► Last place you were? ➔ In body or spirit? *Starts another episode of The Real Housewives*
► Last picture taken? ➔ A morning video selfie to my friend Nikki captioned "The Dark Lord is Upon Us" in which I floated across the screen in a hoodie.
► Last outfit? ➔ Why rob you of a visual. Here: