Our Santa Claus Was a Sociopath
Or at least he wrote like one, anyway.
Toys piled Christmas morning beneath our evergreen of Yule
Wrapped in gift paper once sold as a fundraiser for school
And from American Girl Dolls and Pokémon games
Hung gift tags assigning boxes to each of our names
My sister and I approached our good tidings each year
With a shared and silently understood fear
That the ornaments dangling from our presents would feature
The penmanship of a jolly old man having a seizure
For not even the code of Leonardo DaVinci
Could decipher whose gifts were whose beneath this tree
‘Mia’ was expressed in one squiggle with a dot
And ‘Marla’ stopped abruptly—Had Santa been shot?
The tag on the second box looked nothing like the first
Case in point: St. Nick’s calligraphy was the worst
Was Santa suffering from withdrawals from cocaine?
Or perhaps an unexpected aneurism of his brain?
Maybe he drank one too many glasses of egg nog
Or was simply in a rush to meet Mrs. Claus for a snog
Had he siphoned a Four Loko through a funnel?
Or did he have severe carpal tunnel?
The cause of our confusion will remain a mystery divine
But I do know for certain the presents were all mine.
Love, The Lardiere Family (And Santa)
Analyze & Discuss:
Did Santa ever receive a formal education?