Auld Lang Seinfeld

Here's How I Plan to Nail 2016 Like an Italian Prostitute

Last year I asked Santa Claus for a ‘Passion Planner’ agenda book as a device to plot out my aspirations for 2015. I recently went through this pseudo-journal to find that I used it for a whopping combined 3 1/7 weeks total, yet still somehow managed to make it to December with more than I arrived with at the top of the year. I quit my fake job, was #blessed with a real job, and invigorated a latent culinary passion.

Case in point: This gift was moronic for a 23-year-old and I should have just asked for shoes.

We, the goal-hungry, meditate on our hypothesized ‘recipes for success’ for a new year as the clock winds down drop a ball on 2016. We make a checklist of obstacles that might lead us to our ideal selves in an attempt to feel at ease, when instead, it drives us to drink more champagne.

This is why I’ve decided that my ‘recipe’ for growth in the new year will not be a recipe at all. It will simply be a loose preparation of sorts using ingredients that I already obtain rather than scavenging for foreign components. I’ll mirror the approach of a spaghetti alla puttanesca, a pasta dish made with tomatoes, olives, and anchovies, whose name literally means “spaghetti in the style of the whore” due to its alleged historic notoriety among Italian prostitutes who needed quick fuel for a long night of work. 

So let’s burn the recipe cards and nail this year like an Italian whore by using the productivity hack of Jerry Seinfeld, who fills up the days of his calendar with happenings rather than starving them with the unfulfilled void of lofty goals. Seinfeld claims to motivate his routine writing by drawing a large ‘X’ through the date on a large desk calendar with a big red marker when he has completed his daily writing quota.

“After a few days you'll have a chain,” Seinfeld told software developer Brad Isaac. “Just keep at it and the chain will grow longer every day. You'll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job next is to not break the chain. Don't break the chain.

Draw smiley faces instead of X’s if you have a fear of snakes. Modify the writing concept to fit your own goals. I’ll be taking the whimsical approach of creating a chain of words on a giant calendar featuring Kate Hudson posing as a political pundit (don’t ask) by choosing one word to sum up the day based on an accomplishment, failure, or outstanding event. The trail will become a footpath that builds itself organically by acting on intuition, and can be reflected upon later in hindsight. Productivity blossoms from wading mindfully through the hot mess of the present as opposed to skipping stones of hope out into the future and watching them all as they sink.

So how about it? Let’s say “Happy to be here!”and truly mean it wherever “here” may be. Today’s anxieties will be tomorrow’s punchline, so catch yourself before you’re the last one to start laughing.

Analyze & Discuss:

Are you setting resolutions? Are you Kate Hudson? Do you resolve to date Nick Jonas?