The Lardiere Family's Holiday Newsletter
Dear Friends, Family, and Homeless Cats who are currently using this letter as a pee pad,
Another year has come and gone and the Lardieres still have not managed to kill one another. Our family’s year would be rated something like this if it were to be profiled by Zagat:
A “365 day” “hurricane of Advil” “momentarily interrupted by a trip to Cancun” narrated “at the same head banging decibel level” with “less (overt) politically incorrect remarks” and equivalent “HON’s”.
However, our sprit is just as colorful as ever in the company of each other, so we can’t really complain.
Yes, Marla has found collegiate roots at Hofstra University in Long Island where she is majoring in Video and Television with a concentration in writing and producing. She continues to sing as a member of Hofstra’s Chorale and was recently asked to perform at her high school’s alumni Cabaret Night where she sang “The Mad Hatter” from Wonderland: The Musical right before two women did an opera duet sung in only “meows”. She and her mother spar on a daily basis because they are the same person, yet always reconcile with back massages or another form of physical affection for the very same reason.
Lisa is a force in a denim shirt going on her 32nd year running her educational livelihood, The Beanstalk Academy. She restructured her school’s program, having added infant care to her existing enrollment of children ages 2-6. As a result of her increased interaction with babies, potty discussion has become more frequent and she reverts to childlike singing when excited or placed on a hammock. Lisa is always in a transition period between activities at school, so “never” is the best time to call her during the day.
She and Stephen celebrated their 34th anniversary of marriage [read: dictatorship] in August. A 35-year commemoration will be dependent on whether Steve’s quaaludes wear off by then.
They had a rare couple’s getaway in September to a credit union convention in Atlantic City where they learned about “core processing” and won an Apple TV that neither knows how to use.
‘Hon’ is the reigning CEO of Pinnacle Credit Union where, according to Lisa, “all he does is drive to work, have lunch, and drive back”. He argues that there is an occasional meeting somewhere in between. Steve has declared that he is firmly against drones (“If I had a drone flying over my house, I'd be like, ‘F*ck that. F*ck you drones.’ I'd throw stones at it until it went away.”) and has yet to receive positive reinforcement from his wife on the progress of his to-do list.
Mia had to give up her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom to her parents when she was spontaneously offered a job as a celebrity news writer and reporter for Celebuzz. She has interviewed Kerry Washington, Andy Grammer, that guy from the Backstreet Boys (not the one that you're thinking of), among other notable figures. In her spare time, she is an amateur gourmet chef with a blog, The Olive Eye, where she shares recipes, stories from her time as a mustached child, and anecdotes from the Lardashian clan. She plans to begin writing a podcast-narrated cookbook in 2016 based on interviews with self-starting women and the food that fuels them towards success, and maybe, just maybe try interacting with a man in real life.
Lily has supposedly lost a half a pound on a low-carb diet since her annual check-up in 2014, though all visitors of our household invariably beg to differ. She remains Lisa’s first favorite child, but comes in second when it comes to body hair density behind her adopted eldest sister.
Our Resolutions for 2016:
Lisa: “To use more coupons.”
Steve: "To not worry about the drones. They'll come and they'll go."
Marla: “I don’t do resolutions.”
Mia: “To expose my family’s dirty laundry on a more frequent basis.”
Lily: “To eat more… vegetables.”
Happy Holidays and a Bright 2016 to You and Your Own Deranged Tribe,