15 Ways a Denim Jumpsuit Has Ruined My Chances of Earning Respect
Recently I purchased a denim jumpsuit that encloses by buttoning the top half, belatedly realizing that this sartorial contraption causes technical difficulties when attempting to take a whiz.
See, in order to successfully unload my bladder I first have to undo all five snaps and then untie the string around my waist. Then, I have to pull the entire thing down without letting it hit the floor, or worse, take a dip in the toilet water. This article of clothing is not only a death trap on days when I have two-hour commute from door to door, but it's also a threat to pending respect among female co-workers who may accidentally catch a glimpse of me getting undressed through a slit in the bathroom stall.
Over the course of the hour that it took to unfasten myself the last time that I wore said jumpsuit to work, I contemplated all of the possible scenarios that could be imagined of me in this compromising moment and came up with the following.
It could be assumed...
1. That I am Superwoman changing out of costume.
2. That I've been stood up by our building's doorman for a secret rendezvous.*
*Only applicable if/when I have enough money to purchase sex appeal
3. That I've been stood up by the company's CEO for a secret rendezvous.*
4. That I've been stood up by the cleaning woman for a secret rendezvous.*
5. That I'm correcting the err of a backwards thong.
6. That I'm investigating the disappearance of underwear at all.
7. That I won the lottery and I'm preparing to quit my job by streaking through the office.
8. That my mother's hot flashes have become contagious.
9. That I'm about to give birth.*
10. That I'm reverting to my liberal arts roots, preparing to display nude performance art.
11. That I have to air out my pants after listening to a podcast hosted by my geriatric man crush, Alec Baldwin.
12. That I've been stood up by my geriatric man crush Alec Baldwin for a secret rendezvous.*
**Alec Baldwin, if you happen to see this, please call me back. Nothing urgent except WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR LOVE
13. That I'm drowning myself in the toilet after admitting on the Internet that I have a crush on Alec Baldwin.**
14. That I'm going all out for a feigned Snapchat expose for The New York Times documenting my company's harsh work environment.
15. That I'm forgoing an impractical jumpsuit for a toilet paper toga.
Analyze & Discuss:
Does my self-asphyxiation in a jumpsuit heighten or deplete my overall sex appeal?