HONORABLE MENTIONS: Lydia Cruz
'HONORABLE MENTIONS' is a series of contributed posts featuring FLAWED ATTEMPTS IN BECOMING HUMAN FROM FELLOW LIFESTYLE AMATEURS.
Our brave inaugural tale of 'woah' comes from LYDIA CRUZ, in which she cut her own hair for the first time with a pair of Fiskars and a hand mirror.
I WAS FOURTEEN BEFORE I LEARNED HOW TO DO A PONYTAIL & ONCE BURNED MY GRANDMOTHER’S HAIR WITH A CURLING IRON.
But, a few weeks ago, I got it into my head that I should cut my own hair.
It had been over two months since my last cut and, while I can get pretty cheap cuts because the same woman has been cutting my hair since I was eleven, she lives approximately forty minutes away. For two weeks it went like this:
I should cut my hair. It can't be that hard. It looks all messed up all the time anyway. I'll do it tonight.
I'll do it after dinner.
I'll do it after this episode of Blue Bloods.
Goodnight mom. (I'll do it tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow.)
Then the day came where I told a friend I would probably do it tonight and would send her a picture.
So, I gathered up a professional array of supplies and began.
You know how when you go to a salon they wash your hair for a really long time so that it’s really more of a head massage than a degreasing?
Normal Everyday Showering Lydia does not wash her hair that long—but Fully Clothed First Time Hairdressing Lydia Extraordinaire stuck her head in the shower and scrubbed until she was CLEAN.
You Know How Daniel Craig Had To Kill a Guy Before He Could Become James Bond?
I’m going to do this
I’m going to do this
Breathe in just like Tom Cruise does right before he takes the 300 yard shot and blows Robert Duvall’s mind
WHY DOES MY HAND KEEP MOVING BACKWARD?
went an inch and a half of hair.
(I WOULD ADVISE TO CUT LESS RATHER THAN MORE AT THIS POINT)
(you can always go shorter)
((I told myself this until I realized I would have to go through this entire process again and again if I went for the incremental approach))
(((so I did ‘large’ increments)))
Huh. Well. No going back now.
No Going Back Now
Congratulations, 008! You did it!
You are officially on that moving sidewalk in the airport that doesn’t let you off until the end—even if you see your gate sliding by at the halfway mark.
Shaping The Top and Sides
As previously noted, I had a hand mirror in my utility belt. I did not, however, have a third hand and you can’t hold scissors and hair and a mirror with two hands.
I couldn’t figure out how to position my hand to cut a line of hair (or figured it out once, cut a straight line all the way across my left side, to my own horror) so I went scissor point in and just snipped away until it looked right—pulling the hair out to check the length every once and a while.
I combed the hair straight down over my ear and cut around it, looking out of the corner of my eye, only nicking myself once (no blood, no worries).
I left the top longer than the back and sides. Not Peaky Blinders longer, but you'll see that eventually.
Now feels like the time to say,
I have no idea how to *shape* a cut.
I did remember AFTER I was done that you need to vary the angles of the lines of hair you cut so you don’t have stark lines all over your head.
DON'T CUT IN A STRAIGHT LINE
All the better for you
I cut the lower corners by my neck by sight, snipping up into it until it looked like a good angle. I did the rest totally blind.
Then I had my mom trim the bottom edge of my hair and try to snip out the lines.
Not great, but I don’t see it, so it’s ok.
Dry Cut Touch Up
Once you feel like you’re pretty close, either let your hair dry naturally or blow it dry (beware of flying hair pieces) and see how it looks. If something looks too long or too thick, trim it.
Your bathroom may look like this, plus a lot on the floor.
This equals SUCCESS. Which brings us to the seventh and final phase.
You did it! You flipped a scissory bird to all those $60 haircuts and SURVIVED.
Now go drink either a really nice beer or a really nice batch of homemade wine, unless your first homemade batch of wine has months left to ferment like mine. In which case, a really nice cup of hot chocolate will do.
OPTIONAL PHASE EIGHT:
"PIX OR IT DOESN'T COUNT"
Following lifestyle amateur rule of thumb, here is the picture of the final cut in which I manipulate angles and filters and contrast to make sure I look good enough to present to the It’s Probably Tonight Friend:
ABOUT THE AMATEUR
Currently living in Colorado, Lydia Cruz enjoys walking her dog, Lennie, quoting movies, and trying to think of useful things to make with felt.
Lydia digs a lot of different kinds of art, though writing and illustration are her main squeeze. She has shown work in various places around Colorado, New York, and Scotland.
Are You A Lifestyle Amateur Deserving Of An Honorable Mention?
Visit the Contributor Info Page to learn how to submit pitches for upcoming features!